WHITE HATS ARE DEPLOYING AN UNDISCLOSED NUMBER OF MARINES TO SPRINGFIELD, OHIO, IN RESPONSE TO WIDESPREAD ALLEGATIONS THAT GRIMY HAITIAN MIGRANTS ARE ABDUCTING AND EATING THE LOCAL WILDLIFE—GEESE, DUCKS, AND SQUIRRELS—AND HOUSEHOLD PETS.

 

WHITE HATS ARE DEPLOYING AN UNDISCLOSED NUMBER OF MARINES TO SPRINGFIELD, OHIO, IN RESPONSE TO WIDESPREAD ALLEGATIONS THAT GRIMY HAITIAN MIGRANTS ARE ABDUCTING AND EATING THE LOCAL WILDLIFE—GEESE, DUCKS, AND SQUIRRELS—AND HOUSEHOLD PETS.

News of pet consumption gained traction on social media last week after VP candidate JD Vance said his office had fielded numerous calls from frightened residents claiming Haitians were trespassing on private property, usually backyards, and stealing pets for sustenance. A video on social media showing police questioning a woman who had cooked and eaten a cat on a public sidewalk sparked public alarm. President Trump raised national awareness of the problem during his victorious debate against Kamala Harris.

Unsurprisingly, the Left accused Trump of amplifying fake news after Springfield’s city manager, Bryan Heck, refuted tales of Haitians munching on pets, and the state’s Republican governor, Mike DeWine, dismissed the migrant claim as “crazy internet talk.”

A Trump campaign spokesperson told RRN that DeWine is either “ignoring the issue for political reasons” or out of touch with his constituency. The governor’s office has not returned our calls or responded to our emails.

Although the Left and potentially compromised Republicans have chosen to ignore the crisis, the military has acknowledged it as an escalating calamity that must be nipped in the bud before it spirals out of control. A source in General Smith’s office told RRN that White Hats have independently verified 11 accounts of rampaging Haitians petnapping cats and dogs and beheading geese in local parks.

The source said Gen. Smith on Thursday mobilized “some Marines” to Springfield to evaluate the pet abduction epidemic and, if necessary, repel or “otherwise dissuade” the city’s exploding Haitian population from feasting on felines and canines.

We asked the source a critical question: “Why, with so many Deep Staters still destroying the country, are White Hats using valuable resources to thwart pet abductions, when there are agencies like PETA and the ASPCA out there to look into this issue?”

Our source replied: “A few things. First, it’s more than just about the pets. We’re talking about the importation of foreigners who come to the US spreading diseases like HIV and tuberculosis, foreigners the Dems bring in to vote for them. It’s a public health crisis and voter fraud. I’m not saying all Haitians are bad, but many of them are unclean and ungodly, and spread filth where they go. And the pets—I don’t know about you, but I consider my dogs and cat family members, and have a constitutional right to protect my family. If I saw a Haitian grabbing my cat, I’d shoot him center-mass.”

He mentioned another concern—that if the Haitians in Springfield continue slaughtering and eating pets unimpeded, they may escalate their evil by abducting and devouring especially small children.

“Look, if we don’t act, if we sit back and give them free rein on pets, why wouldn’t they up their game, you know, take children from cribs and strollers. A lot of them practice voodoo and human sacrifice. To them, geese, cats, and dogs could be like a gateway drug to eating people. And this should concern any citizen with pets or kids,” the source said.

Asked how Marines would respond to witnessing a Haitian gorging himself on a pet, he said, “They’ll respond like Marines. Make of that what you will.”